17. To the Monks of Bec

Brother Anselm, to his best - beloved, and much longed-for brethren and sons, the monks of Bec: in neart belonging to them after God: may you ever be ruled by the counsel and enjoy the consolation of the Holy Spirit.

All that you have written or said in common, or that as individuals you have out of the affection of your hearts sent to him whom you love and long for, and which neither tongue can express, nor pen, is all deeply and distinctly graven upon my heart. There is besides much else proceeding from my heart and mind which I would were in like manner written and graven on your hearts. For there, in the most secret recesses of my being, I arrange and re-arrange, turn it over, again and again, before God. With what feeling I do it, He seeth, both within and without; to this testify my tears and To the Monks of Bec. 1 37 exclamations, and the sound of my heart's groaning, such as I never remember any grief to have drawn from me before the day whereon the heavy lot of the arch bishopric of Canterbury was seen to fall upon me, which words and groans I am certain were not of set purpose simulated, but the swords of grief piercing my heart extorted, and still extort them. Of this it was impossible that those should be ignorant who beheld my face on that day when the bishops and abbots who dragged me to the church carried me off objecting and protesting, so that it might have appeared doubtful whether madmen were leading a sane man or sane men one out of his mind; except that they were singing, and I for pallor was in hue more like a dead than a living man: nor they who after that day heard me from afar lamenting in unusual fashion (my mind being overcome with grief when I had leisure to reflect both on your affection and the burden imposed upon my weakness), and seeing me feared that I should lose either my life or my senses, on account of this fear sprinkled me with holy water and gave it me to drink. Perhaps I ought to be ashamed because the wounds of grief have so prostrated my soul, entirely absorbed as it is in its separation from your souls and its own grave peril, and so prostrate it still, that it often emits heavy groans, with gushing tears. But of a truth I do not blush to confess that the fear of God arid love of men, chiefly of you, have thus wounded and do thus wound it. All which things bear my conscience witness as to the longing and desire with which I looked forward to the archiepiscopal dignity and burden, and the joy with which I accept it. However, if any do think of me otherwise than as my conscience deems of itself in the sight of God, I am consoled by this, that it ought to be a very small thing to me that I should be judged of them or of man's judgment. And, also, that we have to pass through this life through evil report and good report, as deceivers and yet true, as unknown and yet well-known, so only that my conscience accuse me not before God. I have hitherto resisted this election of myself which was made violently, holding myself fast to the truth: but now whether I will or not I am compelled to confess that the decisions of God resist my efforts ever more and more, and now I see no way by which I can fly from them either without serious evil, both temporal and spiritual, on either hand, or without God's anger could I or any other at all impede the intention He has formed. Wherefore, being vanquished, not so much by the power of man as by that of God, against whom no wisdom or strength may avail, I feel impelled to follow this course only: after having prayed as much as I could and striven that if it were possible, this cup should pass from me, that I should not drink it, seeing my prayer repulsed and my struggles to be unavailing, I should say to God, "Nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt." But since on either hand I fear God, nor either way love aught save God and men for God, I think there is nothing safer for me in so dangerous a position as, setting aside my own inclination and will, to give myself up, both in feeling and will, entirely to God. And although in this matter it be very hard for me to give and for you to receive a decision which is against your feelings and mine, yet since I and you belong more to God than I to you, or you to me: "whether we live or die, we are the Lord's: "I yet dare not in God's business, and in such straits, withhold my opinion as before God from those whom I am bound to advise. I therefore advise you my best-beloved and most affectionate ones, to let nothing make you persistently oppose God; for "rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft; "and it is very hard to kick against the goad of God. For To the Monks of Bec. 139 things have undoubtedly by the decision of God come to this pass: that I must needs, if God shall deign to effect aught of good by my means, serve and be useful to, you and many others; or I must be of no use at all either to myself, or you, or others, not the will, but the power, being wanting.

And if this should happen through your obstinacy, you would cause my old age to be worn away and fail from inconsolable sadness, on account of the great and varied evil which hence would follow and justly appear to be imputed to you and me even by those who do not, however, foresee them. But if you knew what evils the delay has already occasioned to bodies and souls, and how detested it and those who cause it are by the best and wisest of the English, and even by the whole nation, I think you also (if you are not inhuman) would hate that delay. Perhaps what I say may appear strange to you, and many who do not see into my heart, and who are ready to judge the interior con sciences of others, which they cannot discern, will judge me wrongly somehow because I speak to you thus about this affair. But I speak before God, to whom I lay bare my life, and "put my trust in Him, that He shall bring it to pass," for my conscience doth not accuse me in His sight of being drawn to speak thus by the desire of earthly riches or dignity. If henceforth any should think otherwise of me, I shall hold him to be an adversary of the truth, and God shall be my witness against him. Farewell; and may God, who guideth the weak in judgment, and learneth His way to such as are not stiff-necked but gentle, direct your minds and wills to a right judgment concerning this business.