Letter XXXII. To a Religious

Different effects and signs of self-love and true charity.

1615. Oh! would to God, my dearest child, that it was the treatise of heavenly love which kept me occupied all the morning! It would soon be finished, and I should be very happy to apply my soul to such sweet consideration: but it is the infinite number of little follies, which the world perforce brings me every day, which causes me trouble and annoyance, and makes my hours useless; still, so far as I can run away from them I ever keep putting down some little lines in favour of this holy love, which is the bond of our mutual love.

Well, let us come to our letter. Self-love can be mortified in us, but still it never dies; indeed, from time to time and on different occasions, it produces shoots in us, which show that though cut off it is not rooted out. This is why we have not the consolation that we ought to have when we see others do well; for what we do not see in ourselves is not so agreeable to us; and what we do see in ourselves is very sweet to us, because we love ourselves tenderly and amorously. But if we had true charity, which makes us have one same heart and one same soul with our neighbour, we should be perfectly filled with consolation when he did well.

This same self-love makes us willing enough to do things of our own election, but not by the election of another, or by obedience; we would do it as coming from us, but not as coming from another. It is always we ourselves, who seek our own will, and our own self-love; on the contrary, if we had the perfection of the love of God, we should prefer to do what was commanded because it comes more from God, and less from us.

As for taking more pleasure in doing hard things ourselves than in seeing them done by others, this may be through charity, or because secretly self-love fears that others may equal or surpass us. Sometimes we are more distressed to see others ill-treated than ourselves by goodness of disposition; sometimes because we think ourselves braver than them, and that we should support the trouble better than they, according to the good opinion we have of ourselves.

The proof of this is that ordinarily we would rather have small troubles than let another have them; but the great we wish more for others than ourselves. Without doubt, my dear child, the repugnance we have to the supposed exaltation of others comes from this, that we have a self-love which tells us we should do even better than they, and that the idea of our good designs promises us wonders from ourselves, and not so much from others.

Besides all this, know, my very dear child, that the things you feel are only the dispositions of the lower part of your soul: for I am sure that the superior part disavows it all. It is the only remedy we have, to disavow the dispositions, invoking obedience, and protesting that we love it, in spite of all repugnance, more than our own election \ praising God for the good which one sees in others, and beseeching him to continue it, and so of other ill-feelings.

We must be in no way surprised to find self-love in us, for it never leaves us. It sleeps sometimes, like a fox, then all of a sudden leaps on the chickens; wherefore we must constantly keep watch on it, and patiently and very quietly defend ourselves from it. But if sometimes it wounds us, we are healed by unsaying what it has made us say and disavowing what it has made us do.

Well, I only see casually the lady who was to come to make her general confession, and her eyes are all moist after leaving her daughter: for the great of the world leave one another in parting. Those of God not so; they are always united together with their Saviour. God bless you, my dear child.