Book III, Chapter III

That I may not feel myself

j (On these words) — “ That I may not feel myself.” B. iii. c. 21.

Question. — What is it to feel ourselves?

I Answer. — It is to find satisfaction and pleasure in

things which concern ourselves, and have no relation I to God. There are three degrees of this fault, i 1. The first is, that of those who take pleasure in I considering and admiring themselves, who make the [ I remembrance of their own good qualities their prin- \ cipal occupation, comfort, and support; who, when alone, can converse agreeably with themselves, never wanting a subject, since their own perfections, and the other good things of which they think them- selves possessed, furnish them with enough. People of this character often reach such an excess of self-love, that not content with amusing themselves with this; chimerical fancy, they are vain enough to make their own portraits, or, to speak more correctly, their eulogium; to paint themselves in bright colours, to note not only their virtues, but even the very features of I their face, their figure, their complexion, and, in general, all things in themselves which they think deserving of praise, hoping thus to immortalize their memory. But what they succeed in showing more is, an extraordinary blindness, of which the very heathen would be ashamed; for, whereas, there is I nothing more important or more glorious for them than to forget themselves entirely, and to think only of God, they make of themselves an idol which they carry everywhere, and show to their friends, think- ing to attract adoration, where their pride generally does attract nothing but ridicule.

WHAT IS IT TO FEEL OURSELVES? 105

This method of proceeding shows three very considerable disorders. The first is, an indolence of mind, which, depriving them of all serious occupation, leaves them leisure enough to reflect on vain and ridiculous things, which reason alone ought to efface from their mind. The second, great presumption, with so high an idea of themselves, that infatuated with their own merits, they imagine that the whole world must he thinking of them, and acquainted with all their affairs. The third, a foolish itching desire to talk of themselves, and to make great boasting of things which people of common sense cannot hear without indignation and disgust. This exact consideration of our past life is never good, hut when we desire to make a general confes- \ sion; for then the penitent is obliged attentively to consider what may render him deserving of punishment in the sight of the Supreme Judge, and contemptible in his own. But to employ much time in searching out what is good in ourselves, is to be intoxicated with self-love, and to act in direct opposition to the teaching of the Saviour, Who said to His disciples, If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself. Matt. xvi. 24. It is precisely con- trary to what our Author desired of God in these I words, “ Grant, Lord, that I may not feel myself as if he would say “ I desire, O my God, to be so occupied and filled with Thee, that I may feel no more what I am, but may live on the earth as if \ already in heaven.”

St. Vincent Ferrier found in himself so little cause for vanity, that he looked on himself with horror, and was unendurable to himself. St. Ignatius wished after his death to be refused Christian burial. St. Catherine of Genoa said, that she would rather see a demon, however hideous, than herself in the state she was in. The Saints, by thus despising and anni- i ’ ~ 1

106 WHAT IS IT TO FEEL OURSELVES? I i hilating themselves, obtained the enjoyment of God,

I while those who do otherwise, separate themselves i I from Him by their vanity, according to these words which our Author makes Him speak: “The more f thou canst go out of thyself, so much the more wilt thou be able to enter into Me.” B. iii. c. 56. To; go out of ourselves, is to think not at all of ourselves,

• nor to speak of ourselves, except when we are obliged f to do so, or when we are about to confess, 2. The second degree of the vice of which we speak,

is somewhat less gross than the former; it is that of i such people as approve of nothing which is not in accordance with their own ideas; like none but per- sons whose dispositions sympathize with their own, and avoid all others, unless they will accommodate; themselves and yield to their ways. This is indeed i being sensitive to what concerns themselves; it is I also departing far from that perfection towards which he tends, who, our Author says, asks of God that he may cease to feel himself. j

Some men love solitude, not because God calls; them to it, but because they have an unsocial temper.

A conversation which wearies them ever so little, is torture to them; the love of liberty overpowers all - other feelings; they must live in their own way, and; for an empire they would not constrain themselves.

But, after all, their greatest torment is their capri- I cious and wayward temper, which causes them to meet with endless vexations. Undoubtedly, they are a heavy burden to themselves, and must be conscions of it. A spiritual man does not delight in these self-willed methods of proceeding; he is satis- fied with all, he accommodates himself to all, he has no attachment to his own ideas; but exactly follows I the counsel that we gave in the 4th chapter of the 2nd Book, in explaining the words, “ Presume not upon thyself.”!

j WHAT IS IT TO FEEL OURSELVES? 107 The third degree of this vice is found in many I I persons who have acquired real virtue, but have not 1 yet been able to overcome their natural feelings, and \ who suffer but too often from the injurious mixture § of these human feelings with those wherewith God inspires them; in which they are far less happy than those devout souls that are entirely dead to themselves, and insensible to all their own concerns. God suffers this, and permits the weight of nature to drag them aside against their will for some time, that being not yet cleansed from the remains of their sins, they may acknowledge their own weakness, and mourn to see themselves so inclined to evil. They feel themselves, then, as a heavy burthen, under 1 which they fear every instant to sink, whilst those who are full of God, feel Him alone, and think of nothing else. What is good in them is, that this, mixture of feelings, high and low, natural and super- natural, is no longer to them, as in former days, a Teason for relaxing, and a cause for self-love, but an exercise of patience and humility, which, far from turning them from God, leads them to sigh after Him, and to desire to enjoy nothing beside Him. i