Book III, Chapter VI

If thou seekest thyself, thou shalt also find thyself

(On these words) — “ If thou seekest thyself, thou shalt also find thyself.” B. ii. c. 7-

Question. — What is it to seek ourselves?

Answer. — Nothing else, as I have said many times, than to seek our own interests, low and earthly interests, which have no connexion with those of God. Thus the greater number of those fickle souls that are still possessed by a worldly spirit, and know not what it is to aim at perfection, find no pleasure but in such things as flatter the senses. The excessive love of enjoyment makes them employ themselves in seeking the vain pleasures of this world, and renders them incapable of finding satisfaction in any thing else.

Question. — What is it to find ourselves?

Answer. — It is to feel our poverty and wretchedness, as is the case with those who, passionately loving pleasure, and finding no true comfort away from God, meet with deserved punishment for their endeavours to find some satisfaction in creatures; for, after much useless trouble, they find nothing of what they desire, any more than those who seek for water to refresh themselves in a dry and sandy place. Men, bora with a desire for true happiness, and thinking to find it without going out of themselves, discover their self-deception at last; and nothing remains to them but the vexation of seeing

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that, instead of a real good which they sought, they have found a false good, a feeble empty creature, incapable of satisfying them. What do they find then in themselves, if they seek not to find God there? Three things fitted to make them unhappy,

— hardness, bitterness, and indigence. Hardness deprives them of repose; bitterness, of pleasure; indigence, of the means to fill and satisfy themselves.

It is natural for men to love peace, pleasure, and abundance; and those who are full of God possess all these things in Him as in the source and fulness of all good; but as for those who are so blinded and governed by passion, that, instead of seeking God in themselves, they seek themselves in all things, they gain only some apparent good, and suffer immediately from the three evils of which we have spoken, the first of which is hardness.

A man who likes to live in peace, delights in a place where nothing interrupts or troubles his repose. He is like a traveller oppressed with weariness and slumber, who requires a good bed to sleep softly. All is uneasy to one who seeks rest in himself, and not in God. Thus thought St. Augustine, who said,

“ Lord, there is no rest but in Thee, and all beside Thee is hard.” When we have extracted all the juice of a plant, there remains only the pith, which is hard and dry. In like manner, when God is no longer in a soul, we may say that she has lost all goodness, she becomes dry, and almost wholly useless; there remains to her only her own nothingness, into which she falls once more, as soon as she leaves Him Who sustained her.

Thence arise a thousand troubles; above all when the things which she loved passionately, and in which she had set up her rest, are taken away from her. \ For then, seeing herself deprived of all support and of all sensible joy, she mourns and weeps inconsolably.

WHAT IS IT TO FIND OURSELVES? 117 in this state she finds the truth of St. Augustine’s saying, that away from God all is thorny, and it is impossible to move without being wounded. When a man who trusts in the favour and protection of a prince falls into disgrace, it is very hard for him to have nothing to rest on but himself, being deprived of all succour and support. For what can be find in himself, who has nothing, and can have nothing but by the assistance of the creatures that surround him, or by the mercy of God, Who will be pleased to dwell in him if he offers himself to receive Him? If both God and creatures fail him, he has no resource, and is like a man in an unfurnished house, with no other bed than the earth.

2. But after all, what does he who seeks himself find in himself? No sweetness, and much bitterness. Aristotle says, that meat should have a pleasant taste, and experience shows plainly that none like bitter food. Now bitterness is the portion of those who, instead of seeking God, seek themselves. A lady, for instance, is in company with people of high rank. If it is for some good work, she will go away contented; but if it is to show herself, to acquire esteem, she will carry away nothing but shame; for God will permit some contemptuous word to be addressed to her, or will suffer her to say something unseasonable, which will amuse the company. Thus she will return home covered with confusion. What can be more mortifying to one whose ruling passion is vain-glory? But whence comes her vexation? From self-seeking, and from the pride which possesses her, and which is a source of bitterness; for this word spoken imprudently by herself, or that addressed her with a disdainful air, or in a mocking tone, returns continually to her mind it is a sting in her heart, which wounds her to the quick, and often brings tears into her eyes.

This weakness is common to all who are full of

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self-love. A man who has to speak in public, or who loves to be applauded, is always in danger of drawing down vexation on himself; for if he does not succeed, or another succeeds better than he, it causes him much sorrow; whereas, if he looked only to the glory of our Lord, his spirit would be at rest. It is certain then that they who seek themselves find themselves at length, but to their own harm; and nothing torments them more than their own vanity. How unhappy are the ambitious, the avaricious, the voluptuous They have always some wound in the soul, some bitterness in the heart; for if they succeed once, they fail a hundred times. And this is all that is gained by those who seek and find themselves, for in themselves they find nothing but vices and sins whose root is equally bitter with their fruits. Some are always sad, always in ill-humour, always sunk in deep melancholy. This is only to be attributed to self-seeking. The great advantage of perfect virtue is, that it quits itself, and is lost in God.

3. There is yet a third trouble which befals the unmortified, and that is indigence. The heart desires to be filled, it fears nothing so much as emptiness, and this leads it ardently to desire the possession of something capable of fully satisfying it. It is hard for a traveller to find nothing after having wearied himself the whole day. Something like this happens to these lovers of self; for remaining separated from God, and unable to obtain from Him refreshment or nourishment, they find themselves alone, and, as it were, in a barren and desert land; for there is nothing more naked or more poor than man, who cannot be filled i with self, except as animals are filled with wind. But in God we find all. Wisdom is an inexhaustible treasure; and what is wisdom but God Himself, possessed and enjoyed by the soul? Riches and honour are with Me, says she, yea, durable riches and

WHAT IS IT TO FIND OURSELVES? 119 righteousness. Prov. viii. 10. One who belongs wholly to God cannot fail to be very happy, for he possesses God by all the faculties of his soul, chiefly by the understanding and the will, which nothing created can fully satisfy. Besides, God is pleased to enrich with His gifts those who seek Him. He gives Himself to them under the appearance of food, because they need nourishment to live; He serves them in some manner for raiment and abode. He is their treasure, and in Him they have a source of light, and of those joys which make the whole happiness of the pure in spirit here below.

If a man seeks not the Supreme Good, but has temporal advantages in view, what will he then obtain? Nothing but inward suffering, vain imaginations, evil habits, everlasting poverty and hunger. The worldly labour vainly to find something capable of satisfying them. They desire good; but they seek it on earth, and it is in Heaven. If they sought it where it is to be found, if they thought only of loving and serving God, He would give Himself to them, and they would be abundantly satisfied; but, seeing them attached to their own interests, He leaves them in want; thus they die poor and famished. There are none in truth so ill provided for, as those who seek themselves; while, on the other hand, there are none so well rewarded or so rich, as those who renounce self to devote themselves wholly to God.