Consideration XXVIII — The Remorse of the Damned

"Vermis eorum non moritur" (Mark 9:47).

Point I

By this worm that does not die, St. Thomas explains that what is meant is the remorse of conscience, by which the damned will be eternally tormented in hell. Many will be the remorse that conscience will gnaw at the hearts of the reprobate, but three will be the most tormenting: the thought of how little it was for which they damned themselves; of how little they needed to do to be saved; and finally, of the great good they have lost. The first remorse, then, that the damned will feel is the thought of how little it was for which he was lost. After Esau had eaten that bowl of lentils for which he sold his birthright, Scripture says that from the grief and remorse of the loss, he began to cry out: "Irrugiit clamore magno" (Gen. 27:34). Oh, what other cries and roars the damned will give, thinking that for a few momentary and poisoned satisfactions he has lost an eternal kingdom of happiness and condemned himself forever to a continual death! Hence he will weep far more bitterly than Jonathan wept when he saw himself condemned to death by Saul his father for having eaten a little honey. "Gustans gustavi paulum mellis, et ecce morior" (1 Kings 14:43). O God, what pain the cause of his damnation will bring the damned person when he sees it then! At present, what does our past life seem to us but a dream, a moment? Now what will those fifty or sixty years of life he lived on this earth seem to one in hell, when he finds himself at the bottom of eternity, where a hundred, a thousand million years have already passed, and he sees that his eternity is only just beginning! But what am I saying — fifty years of life? Fifty years all of pleasure, perhaps? Does the sinner who lives without God always enjoy his sins? How long do the pleasures of sin last? They last moments; and all the rest of the time, for one who lives in the displeasure of God, is time of suffering and bitterness. Now what will those moments of pleasure seem to the poor damned soul? And especially, what will that one last sin seem — the one for which he was lost? So then, he will say, for one miserable, brutish pleasure that lasted a moment and, scarcely had, vanished like the wind, I must burn in this fire, desperate and abandoned by all, as long as God is God, for all eternity!

Affections and Prayers

Lord, enlighten me to recognize the injustice I have done You in offending You, and the eternal punishment I have thereby deserved. My God, I feel great sorrow for having offended You, but this sorrow consoles me; if You had sent me to hell, as I deserved, this remorse would be the hell of my hell, thinking of how little it was for which I damned myself; but now this remorse, I say, consoles me, because it gives me courage to hope for pardon from You, who have promised to pardon whoever repents. Yes, my Lord, I repent of having outraged You; I embrace this sweet sorrow; indeed I beg You to increase it and preserve it in me until death, so that I may always weep bitterly for the displeasures I have given You. My Jesus, pardon me; O my Redeemer, who in order to have mercy on me did not have mercy on Yourself, condemning Yourself to die of sorrow to free me from hell — have pity on me. Grant then that the remorse of having offended You may keep me continually in sorrow, and at the same time inflame me entirely with love for You, who have loved me so much and endured me with such patience, and now, instead of punishments, enrich me with lights and graces. I thank You, my Jesus, and I love You; I love You more than myself; I love You with all my heart. You do not know how to despise one who loves You. I love You — do not cast me from Your presence. Receive me then into Your grace, and do not allow me ever to lose You again.

Mary, my Mother, accept me as your servant, and bind me to Jesus your Son. Pray to Him to pardon me, to grant me His love, and the grace of perseverance until death.

Point II

St. Thomas says that this will be the principal pain of the damned: to see that they were lost for nothing, and that they could have so easily acquired the glory of paradise, had they wished: "Principaliter dolebunt, quod pro nihilo damnati sunt, et facillime vitam poterant consequi sempiternam." The second remorse of conscience, then, will be the thought of how little they needed to do to save themselves. A damned soul appeared to Blessed Humbert and told him that precisely this was the greatest affliction tormenting him in hell — the thought of the little for which he had been damned and the little he would have needed to do to save himself. The wretch will then say: If I had mortified myself by not looking at that object, if I had overcome that human respect, if I had fled that occasion, that companion, that gathering — I would not have been damned. If I had confessed every week, if I had attended the Congregation, if I had read a little spiritual book every day, if I had commended myself to Jesus Christ and to Mary — I would not have fallen again. I resolved so many times to do it, but I never followed through; or rather, I began to do it, and then I gave it up, and therefore I am lost.

The examples of his good friends and companions will increase the pain of this remorse; and even more will the gifts God had given him to save himself increase it — gifts of nature, such as good health, goods of fortune, talents the Lord had given him to employ well and make himself a saint; gifts then of grace — so many lights, inspirations, calls, and so many years granted to remedy the evil done. But he will see that in the miserable state to which he has come, there is no longer time to remedy anything. He will hear the Angel of the Lord crying out and swearing: "Et Angelus, quem vidi stantem, iuravit per viventem in saecula saeculorum... quia tempus non erit amplius" (Rev. 10:6). Oh, what cruel swords all these graces received will be to the heart of the poor damned soul, when he sees that the time for repairing his eternal ruin is already over. He will say, weeping, with his other despairing companions: "Transiit messis, finita est aestas, et nos salvati non sumus" (Jer. 8:20). He will say: Oh, if the labors I spent damning myself I had spent for God, I would now be a great saint; and now what do I find, if not remorse and pains that will torment me for all eternity? Ah, this thought will torment the damned more than the fire and all the other torments of hell — to say: I could have been forever happy, and now I must be forever unhappy.

Affections and Prayers

Ah, my Jesus, how could You have endured me so long? I so many times turned my back on You, and You never ceased pursuing me. I so many times offended You, and You pardoned me; I returned to offend You, and You returned to pardon me. Share with me some part of that sorrow You felt in the Garden of Gethsemane for my sins, which there made You sweat blood. I repent, my dear Redeemer, of having so badly repaid Your Heart. O my accursed pleasures, I detest and curse you; you have made me lose the grace of my Lord. My beloved Jesus, now I love You above all things; I renounce all unlawful satisfactions and resolve to die a thousand times rather than offend You again. Through that affection with which You loved me on the cross and offered Your divine life for me, give me light and strength to resist temptations, and to have recourse to Your aid whenever I am tempted.

O Mary, my hope, you can do all things before God; obtain for me holy perseverance; grant that I may never again be separated from His holy love.

Point III

The third remorse of the damned will be to see the great good he has lost. St. John Chrysostom says that the reprobate will be more tormented by the loss of paradise than by the very pains of hell: "Plus coelo torquentur, quam gehenna." The unhappy Princess Elizabeth, Queen of England, said: Let God give me forty years of reign, and I renounce paradise. The wretch had those forty years of reign, but now that her soul has left this world, what does she say? Certainly she does not feel the same; oh, how afflicted and desperate she now finds herself, thinking that for forty years of an earthly reign, possessed amid fears and anxieties, she has lost the kingdom of heaven forever.

But what will most afflict the damned for all eternity will be to see that he has lost heaven and the supreme Good, which is God, not through bad fortune or the ill will of others, but through his own fault. He will see that he was created for paradise; he will see that God placed in his hands the choice to procure for himself either life or eternal death. "Ante hominem vita, et mors... quod placuerit ei dabitur illi" (Sirach 15:18). So he will see that it was in his power, had he wished, to make himself eternally happy, and he will see that he himself chose to hurl himself into that pit of torments, from which he can never leave, nor will there ever be anyone who will seek to free him. He will see so many of his companions saved — companions who found themselves in the same, and perhaps greater, dangers of sinning — but because they knew how to restrain themselves by commending themselves to God, or because if they fell, they knew how to rise quickly and give themselves to God, they were saved. But he, because he refused to change, has gone unhappily to end in hell, in that sea of torments, without hope of ever being able to remedy his state.

My brother, if you too in the past have been so foolish as to wish to lose paradise and God for a miserable pleasure, seek to remedy it quickly now while there is time. Do not continue to be a fool. Tremble at the thought of going to weep over your folly forever. Who knows if this consideration you are reading is the last call God is giving you. Who knows if you do not now change your life — at the next mortal sin you commit, the Lord may abandon you, and for this may then send you to suffer eternally among that company of fools who are now in hell and confess their error — "ergo erravimus" — but confess it in desperation, seeing that for their error there is no longer any remedy. When the devil tempts you to sin again, remember hell, and have recourse to God and to the Most Holy Virgin; the thought of hell will free you from hell. "Memorare novissima tua, et in aeternum non peccabis" (Sirach 7), for the thought of hell will make you have recourse to God.

Affections and Prayers

Ah, my supreme Good, how many times I have lost You for nothing, and have deserved to lose You forever! But I am consoled to hear what Your prophet says: "Laetetur cor quaerentium Dominum" (Ps. 104:3). I must not then despair of recovering You, my God, if I seek You with my heart. Yes, my Lord, I now long for Your grace more than for any other good. I am content to be deprived of everything, even of life, rather than to find myself deprived of Your love. I love You, my Creator, above all things, and because I love You, I repent of having offended You. My God, lost and despised by me, quickly pardon me; and grant that I may find You again, for I wish to lose You no more. If You receive me again into Your friendship, I wish to leave everything and devote myself to loving You alone; this I hope from Your mercy. Eternal Father, hear me for the love of Jesus Christ; pardon me and give me the grace never to separate myself from You again; for if I voluntarily lose You once more, I must justly fear that You will abandon me.

O Mary, O peacemaker of sinners, make me find peace with God, and then keep me tightly under your mantle, so that I may never lose Him again.