169. Courtship and Engagement

It is a sin for parents to discourage, oppose, or prevent their child's lawful desire to choose a state of life for himself. The first picture shows the father of St. Therese of the Child Jesus, giving her his blessing before she entered Carmel. Parents whose children have a religious vocation should imitate this good father. And those whose children choose to enter the married state should bless them likewise, as Our Blessed Mother must surely be blessing the newly-wedded pair above, who offer the bridal bouquet at her feet. Their preparatory period of courtship was ruled by prudence.

What is the purpose of courtship?

— Courtship is a time of preparation for marriage, the time of choosing a life partner; it requires prudence and wisdom.

1. It is only when young persons have reached the proper age and are so situated as to be able to bear the responsibilities of the married state, that courtship should engage their attention. Then the young man and woman may frequent each other's company in order to discover whether they would make suitable companions for life.

Boys and girls still in school should devote their time to their studies and such things appropriate to their age, as games and innocent entertainments. It is altogether out of place for young people to neglect their studies in order to waste their time in boy-and-girl affairs that at best end in nothing.

2. It is perfectly proper for a young man to pay his attentions to several young women at the same time, and for a young woman to receive such attentions from several young men at the same time. This is precisely because courtship is the time of choosing, to discover who will make the most suitable partner for life.

Courtship should be carried on without secrecy; young women should beware of men who keep their "love affairs" a secret,

3. The length of the period of courtship should be between six months and two years, no longer. Marriage is a serious and sacred responsibility, and should not be rushed into under the influence of a physical attraction or passion. But courtship, when the prospective partners are so often in each other's company, should not be greatly prolonged, to avoid possible serious consequences.

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure," says a wise adage. Runaway marriages are generally scandalous even sinful: at any rate they are strong temptations to sin. And so are prolonged courtships.

What should guide the choice during courtship?

— One should make sure that the person he or she wishes to marry is a practising Catholic, and possesses the character to make a good companion and helper in life.

1. The person chosen should have the mental and spiritual qualifications necessary for the permanent partnership, the dispositions to harmonize with the prospective partners.

If young people will remember that marriage is for life, they will exercise greater prudence in courtship. With that prudence, by the grace of God, a man can surely find a partner of whom can be said: "She is a help like to himself, and a pillar of rest" (Ecclus. 36:26).

2. One can better judge the character and virtues of a future spouse at church and in the home than on the floor in ball-rooms. The advice, "Choose your partner at the communion rail" is very sound.

An accomplished young lady was engaged to marry a prominent young man. The day before the wedding, a party was given at the house of the young lady. The conversation turned towards religion; the young man spoke with open contempt of all beliefs, boasting that he was an "open-minded" person of the 20th century and free from all "medieval notions" and "priest-invented" ceremonials.

The young lady, shocked beyond measure, gently protested, begging him not to speak in such a manner. But he laughed at her, saying that he meant every word he said and more, and that she would soon enough unlearn her "religious non-sense".

The young lady then said, "I cannot marry a man who does not respect God and religion, for he surely will not respect his wife." Thus the engagement was broken, and a worthy young lady freed from a life that would have been an agony and a danger for her.

3. It is wrong and foolish to marry for beauty, riches, or honours alone. We should rather seek, and chiefly seek, the quality of the person's soul.

After all, beauty, riches, and honours pass quickly. They may even be lost on the day of the marriage. But a good soul is beautiful in the sight of God and lives forever.

What is engagement, or betrothal?

— Engagement, or betrothal, is a mutual promise of marriage, implying marriage at an early date.

An engagement should not last longer than a few months. As soon as the promise to marry is made, a definite date for the wedding should be set.

1. It is the duty of young people to consult their parents about their marriage. In cases where parents are extraordinarily unreasonable, young people should consult their confessor about the matter.

Generally, the parents are right about the good or bad prospects of a proposed marriage.

2. The engagement may be formally entered into by a contract in writing signed by both parties, with the parish priest or Bishop, or two others, as witnesses. Such a formal engagement has the force of a civil contract.

Although such formalities of betrothal are rare in our days, and there is no strict necessity for them, they should be encouraged, especially in cases where hasty alliances are feared.

3. During both the courtship and the engagement, the couple should respect each other's and avoid undue familiarities; this is a pledge of a chaste and happy married life. The best preservative of virtue is God Himself; and so those preparing for marriage should frequent the sacraments of Penance and Holy Eucharist.

Everything between an engaged couple should be above board. They should reveal to each other frankly everything pertaining to their financial status, social relations, and matters related to health. In this way, they prevent future quarrels and misery.

4. During the interval between the engagement and the marriage, the couple should carefully consider the step they are about to take, and make good preparation for their wedded life, by frequently imploring God's blessing.

As the engagement should not be hastily entered into, so it should not be rashly broken. Still, if after some time either party becomes seriously convinced that the marriage would be a mistake, the engagement should be broken off. Human respect or other considerations should not be permitted to jeopardize future happiness