How We Should So Exercise Ourselves in Self-Knowledge as Not to Be Discouraged or Lose Confidence

O great is our misery, and we have so much cause to humble ourselves and such experience of ourselves, that it would seem we need rather to be encouraged and braced up against discouragement and downheartedness at sight of our so many faults and imperfections, than exhorted to acknowledgment of the same. And so it is in truth to this extent that saints and masters of spiritual life teach us, when we dig and go deep down in knowledge of our miseries and weaknesses, not to do it in such a way as to stop at that—for fear lest the soul should lose confidence and fall into despair at the sight of so great misery and such inconstancy in good resolutions—but to pass on to the recognition of the goodness of God, and place in Him our entire confidence. Thus St. Paul says that our sadness for having sinned should not go the length of inducing torpor and despair, lest such a one be swallowed up in excess of sadness (II Cor. ii. 7), but should be a sadness tempered and mingled with hope of pardon, fixing one’s eyes on the mercy of God, and not stopping short at the mere consideration of sin and its foulness and gravity. They say in like manner that we must not stop short at the recognition of our miseries and weaknesses, lest we lose heart and despond; but this must be the end of our digging and going deep down in knowledge of ourselves, to see that on our side we have no support nor anything to stand upon, and forthwith cast our eyes on God and trust in Him. In this way not only shall we not be discouraged, but rather encouraged and strengthened; for what serves to breed discouragement when you regard yourself, serves to breed vigor and encouragement when you look up to God. And the better you know your own weakness, and the more you distrust yourself, looking to God, steadying yourself in Him, and putting in Him all your confidence, the stronger you will be and the more robust and better prepared to encounter all that comes.

At the same time the saints observe a thing of great importance, that, while we ought not to stop upon the study of our own miseries and weaknesses to such a degree as to lose confidence and fall into despair, but we must pass on to the consideration of the goodness, mercy, and liberality of God, and put our whole confidence in that; so neither on the other hand should we stop there, but turn at once our eyes back upon ourselves and on our own weakness and misery. For if we stop on the knowledge of the goodness, mercy, and liberality of God, and forget what we are of ourselves, there is therein great danger of our falling into presumption and pride, because we should come to an unmeasured sense of security in ourselves and go our way in too great confidence, without the necessary reserve and fear. That is a great pitfall, the root and beginning of great and fearful lapses. Oh, how many spiritual persons, who seemed to be soaring aloft to heaven in the practice of prayer and contemplation, have fallen into this pitfall! Oh, how many who were truly saints, and great saints, have come hereby to miserable falls! All because they forgot themselves, all because they settled down into an excessive security on the strength of the favors they received from God. They were full of self-confidence, as though for them there was no danger; so they came to fall miserably. Our books are full of examples of this sort.

St. Basil says that the cause of that miserable fall of King David into adultery and murder was a piece of presumption that he once had when he was visited by God with great abundance of consolation, and dared this speech: I said in my excess, I shall never be upset (Psalm xxix. 7). But wait a little: God will just in some small measure withdraw His hand; these extraordinary favors and consolations will cease; and you will see what happens: Thou hast turned Thy face away from me, and I am troubled (ibid.) God will leave you in your poverty, and you will make an exhibition of yourself and come to know to your sorrow, after a fall, what you would not know while you were being favored and visited by God. And the cause of the fall and denial of the Apostle St. Peter, St. Basil also says, was his having presumed and confided vainly in himself. Though I should have to die with Thee, I would not deny Thee: though all be scandalized in Thee, I will never be scandalized (Matt. xxvi. 33, 35). For this arrogance and presumption God allowed him to fall, that he might humble himself and know himself better. We should never take our eyes off ourselves, nor hold ourselves secure in this life, but look at what we are and walk always in great fear of ourselves and with great caution and care, lest the enemy that we have within us should practise some treason upon us and trip us up to a fall.

Thus we should neither stop short on the knowledge of our miseries and weaknesses, but pass on straight to the knowledge of the goodness of God; nor stop short either on the knowledge of God and His mercies and favors, but straight turn our eyes down upon ourselves. This is the Jacob’s ladder, one end resting on the earth of self-knowledge, and the other reaching to the height of heaven. By this you must go up and down, as the angels went up and down by that. Mount up to the knowledge of the goodness of God, and stop not there, lest you come to presumption, but go back again down to the knowledge of yourself; and stay not there, not to lose heart and confidence, but mount up once more to the knowledge of God, to have confidence in Him: it must all be going up and down by this ladder.

In this way St. Catharine of Siena practised this exercise to rid herself of various temptations wherewith the devil assailed her, as she herself relates in her Dialogues. When the devil tempted her to put her to confusion, trying to make her think that her whole life had been a delusion, then she raised and lifted herself up in the mercy of God, with humility saying: “I confess to my Creator and Lord that all my life has been darkness; but I will hide myself in the wounds of Jesus Christ crucified; I will bathe myself in His blood and so will efface my evil deeds; and I will rejoice in my Creator and Lord. Thou wilt wash me, and I shall become whiter than snow (Psalm 1. 9).” And when the devil, by a contrary temptation, tried to puff her up with pride, saying: ‘Thou art perfect, and there is no need for thee to afflict thyself any more, nor bewail thy defects,” then she at once humbled herself, and thus answered the Evil One: “Unhappy creature that Iam! St. John Baptist had never sinned, and was sanctified in his mother’s womb, and he nevertheless failed not to do severe penance; what, then, must I do, who have committed so many defects and never acknowledged or bewailed them as I ought?” The devil then, enraged to see so much humility on the one hand and so much confidence in God on the other, cried out: “Cursed be thou and whoever put thee up to this! I know not what way to get at thee! If I cast thee down to make thee lose courage, thou liftest thyself on high on the mercy of God; and if I puff thee up, thou castest thyself down by humility, even to the bottom of hell, and within that very hell thou dost pursue me.’ After this he let her alone, seeing he came off with heavy loss from all assaults he made on her. In this way, then, we must practise this exercise, on the one side full of fear and caution, and on the other vigorous and cheerful; fearful of ourselves, and vigorous and joyful in God. These are the two lessons that holy man [A Kempis] says that God daily teaches His elect—on the one hand to see their own defects and on the other to see the goodness of God, Who so lovingly rids them of them.