Letter 158. To Lorenzo de Cepeda, Avila, Toledo, January 2, 1577

Family matters. Advice to Lorenzo on his prayer, Francisco de Salcedo,

Jesus be with your Honour.

SERNA allows me so little time that I must not say much, but when once I begin writing to vou, I do not know how to leave off. But as Serna does not often come, I must have the time I require. Never read my letters to Francisco,' for I fear he is rather melancholy and it is a great thing for him to confide in me. Perhaps God sends him these scruples to save him from something else, but the best hope of his cure is his trust in me.

Evidently I never sent you the manuscript, but T adled wrongly in not mentioning it. I gave it to a nun to copy and she lost it. Nothing can be done until another copy comes from Seville. I think you must have received a letter I sent you via Madrid, but in case it is missing I will repeat what I said in it, though I am very loth to have anything to do with the matter. Firstly, I think I remember hearing that the walls were giving way in one of the rooms of the house you took from Hernando Alvarez de Peralto; you should examine them carefully. Secondly, I asked you to send me the small box and any loose parcels of papers: I think there was a bag containing manuscripts. Pack them up safely. If Doña Quiteria forwards the parcel she has for me by Serna, thev can come inside it. Kindly forward my seal as well; I cannot endure this death's head one; I want the seal with the name which I wish was stamped on my heart as it was on that of St. Ignatius.

No one but you must open the little box, as I think it contains that paper on prayer and if you read any of it, you must tell no one. Remember,

I do not give you perinission tu talk of it, which must not be done, for though you might think you were rendering God service, there are grave reasons against it. In fad:, if I heard you had mentioned it, I should allow you to read nothing more of mine.

The nuncio has asked me for a copy of the letters patent by which I have made foundations, and for a list of our convents, their locality, the number of nuns, where they came from, their ages, and the names of any I think fit to be prioresses. Papers containing these statements are either in the small box or the bag, but I want all that can be found. People say that the nuncio requires this in order that he may constitute us as a separate province, but I fear that he wishes our sisters to go to other communities to reform them. This would not be well for us; it is enough that we should help those of our own Order. Will you tell the Subprioress this and ask her to notify to me the names of the nuns, how long they have been in the house, and which of them are well educated. She must write this on a sheet of foolscap paper and sign it — but I have just remembered that I am prioress there and can sign it, so she need not. Let her send the details in her own handwriting and I will copy them out. The sisters need know nothing about it. Kindly see that the parcel is carefully packed so that the papers do not get wet, and send me the key.

The prayer I said was described in the book relates to the Pater noster, where you will find a great deal about your state of prayer, although not so much as in the other book. I believe it occurs in Advenían rcnum tuun (sic). Read the work again, or at least the Pater noster and perhaps you will find what you want.

Before I forget — why did you make a vow without telling me first? What obedience! Though pleased at your resolution, I was sorry, for the promise seemed dangerous. Enquire about it, for a vow might change venial into mortal sin. I will consult my confessor who is a learned theologian, but it seems very foolish of you, for the vow I took had other qualifications. I should not dare to make your vow, for I know that the Apostles committed venial sins and our Lady alone was free from them. No doubt God accepted your intention, but I think you should certainly get the vow commuted at once for some other obligation. If it can be done by means of a Bull, obtain one immediately; this being jubilee year' would be a good opportunity. Venial sin is so easy to commit that we hardly notice it. God delivers us from committing mortal sin by not attaching greater guilt to slighter sins, for He well knows the weakness of our nature. It seems to me that you ought to have the matter rectified at once, and to make no more vows for they are dangerous. I see no harm in your speaking to your confessors about your prayer sometimes, as they are near at hand and would be better able to advise you: there is nothing to lose by it.

The devil is making you regret having purchased la Serna '° to prevent your being grateful to God for His great goodness to you in the matter. Rest assured that it was much the best plan : you have given your sons what is far better than riches — that is, honour. No one doubts that it has been a piece of great good fortune. Do you imagine that there is no trouble about colledling rents and continually making distraint for them? Be sure this is a temptation; trouble no more about it and thank God. Do not fancy that if you had more time you would pray more. Disabuse yourself of the idea, for time well spent, as in looking after your children 's inheritance, does not hinder prayer. God often gives more in a moment than in a long period, for His works are not limited by time.

As soon as the Christmas season is over, procure some capable aid to examine your papers and set them in order. What is spent on la Serna is well employed, and you will enjoy staying there for a short time when summer comes. Jacob and Abraham, and Saint Joachim were none the less saints for guarding their flocks, but everything is a burden to us when we do not wish to work. This is my case, and so God overwhelms me with labours. You should consult Francisco de Salcedo, whom I depute to stand in my place regarding temporal matters. It is a great grace that what pleases others should weary you. But you must not set it aside on that

account, for we must serve God as He wishes, not as we choose. But as I think that sheep-breeding is a thing you may dispense yourself from, I was rather glad that for God's sake you had sacrificed the profit you would have made by it, for even in the world's opinion, you would have lost by it to a certain degree. It would be better for you to curtail your charities as God has given you enough to live on and to help others, though on a smaller scale.

By breeding sheep' I do not mean what you are doing at la Serna, which is quite right: I was speaking of it as a business. But I repeat, consult Francisco de Salcedo about such matters and follow his advice : he will not encourage such plans. Remember me very kindly to him and to any other friends you like, as well as to Pedro de Ahumada. I wish 1 had more time to write to him in order to get an answer, as his letters are delightful.

Will you tell Teresa that there is no fear of my liking any one else as much as her. Let her divide the packet of pictures (not those I reserved for myself), and give some to her brothers. I should like to see her. I was touched by what you wrote about her to Seville, for the letters are sent on to me. They aflord no little pleasure to the nuns (who read them aloud at recreation), as they do to me, for to deprive my brother of his courtesy, he must be deprived of life, and as he is dealing with saints, it all seems right to him. And I believe those nuns are saints. They make me feel ashamed of myself at every turn.

Yesterday, the Feast oi the Name of Jesus, we kept high festival : God reward you for your presents. I do not know what to give you in return except some verses that I wrote. My confessor told me to amuse the nuns with whom I have lately been spending the evening recreation, and these little carols were the only means I could find. The tune is pretty; perhaps little Francis could sing them. See whether I have not made progress! However, God has granted me great favours during this season. I am astonished at those He shows you. May He be praised for ever! I realize that it is right for you to desire devotion for the end you have in view. But it is one thing to wish for it and another to ask for it. Believe me, you are taking the best course by leaving it to the will of God and placing yourself in His hands. He knows what is best for us. But you should always try to adl as I advised, which is of more importance than you realize.

There would be no harm, when you wake up with those sudden impulses, in your sitting up in bed for a moment, but be sure to sleep enough, for your brain requires it: otherwise, although you do not feel it at the time, you may become unable to pray at all. And do not expose yourself to severe cold, which is bad for the pain in your side.

I do not know why you wish for terrors and fears when God is leading you by the way of love, although you needed them at first. Do not fancy that it is always the devil who stops us from praying: God Himself prevents our doing so sometimes in mercy to us for many reasons which I cannot

TO LORENZO DE CEPEDA now explain, and I maintain that it is sometimes as great a blessing as if He gave us fervent devotion. The prayer He grants you is incomparably better than meditating on hell, which you could not do if you wished. So do not try, as there is nothing to gain by it.

Some of the sisters' answers made me laugh : others were extremely good and have given me light on the words." Do not suppose that I understand them: I was only giving you an idea of what I should say to you if God allowed us to meet.

I was pleased with the good Francisco de Salcedo's answer, but his humility takes an extraordinary form. God leads him by the way of fear so that perhaps he may think we are wrong in discussing such subjefts in this manner. We must accomodate ourselves to souls as we find them. I assure you that he is holy, but God does not condud: him in the same way as yourself. In fail. He treats him as a strong soul and us as weak. Francisco de Salcedo's answer was very chara¿teristic.

I have just read your letter again. 1 did not understand that you wished to get up during the night; 1 thought you only wanted to sit up in bed, which seemed much for you to do as it is important that you should sleep well. On no account must you rise, whatever fervour you may feel, and do not be shocked if you should oversleep yourself. If you had heard what Fray Peter of Alcantara said to me on the subjed:, you would not mind if you fell asleep again after you had been called.

Your letters do not tire me but are a great comfort — as it would be if I could write to you at greater length, but I have so much work on hand that it is impossible. This very night I have had no time for prayer, but it gives me no scruple and I am only disappointed. May God give us time to spend entirely in His service! Amen.

As the scarcity of fish here is a trial to the nuns, I was glad to receive the sea-bream. I think that in this weather they could be sent without a coating of pastry." If you can procure any bream or fresh sardines when Serna is coming here, entrust them to the Subprioress to forward, as the last travelled satisfaftorily. It is terrible to observe abstinence here, as even such a thing as a fresh egg can never be bought. However, as I was thinking to-day, I have not felt so well for years and I keep the rule like the rest, which is a great comfort.

The enclosed verses in another handwriting are not mine, but I thought they would suit Francisco. They are by one of the community; the nuns here compose them like their sisters at St. Joseph's. These carols play a great part in our recreation. '

This is the second day of the year. Your unworthy servant,

Teresa de Jesus.

I thought you would have sent us your little carol. These verses have neither feet nor head, yet we all sing them. I have just remembered some I wrote once when I was absorbed in prayer and

Fish used to be packed in this way for transmission in Spain.

appeared to be in perfeñ peace. They ran thus: (I am not sure whether I recoiled: them rightly, but I want you to see that I wish to give you pleasure) : O Beauty, that doth far transcend All other beauty ! Thou dost deign Without a wound, our hearts to pain — Without a pang our wills to bend To hold all love for creatures vain.

O mystic love-knot, that dost bind Two beings of such diverse kind ! How canst thou, then, e'er severed be ? For bound, such strength we gain from thee We take for joys the griefs we find.

Things void of being, linked unite With that great Beauty infinite. Thou fill'st my soul which hungers still : Thou lov'st where men can find but ill : Our naught grows precious by Thy might !

That is all I can recall. What wits for a foundress ! But I assure you I thought I had plenty when I wrote this. God forgive you for making me waste my time ! I hoped the lines might appeal to you and rouse your devotion, but do not mention them to any one. I was with Doña Yomar when I wrote them. Remember me kindly to her.