Letter 163. To Don Lorenzo de Cepeda, Toledo, January 17, 1577

Advice about prayer. Present of a hair shirt. Father Gradan visits the communities,

Jesus be with your Honour.

1TOLD you in the letter sent by the Alba courier that the sardines were fresh when they arrived and that the sweets came in good time, but I wish you had eaten them yourself. May God repay you. Do not send me anything more; I will ask for it when I require anything. You are most welcome to live in our quarter of the town, but examine the room of which I spoke carefully. Unless repaired it would be dangerous, for it needed looking to. See to that and to the rest of the house. As for secrecy about my affair, I do not say that it is binding under pain of sin. I am very averse to such agreements, for you might forget; it is enough for you to know that it would pain me if you talked about it. My confessor had already told me that your vow was invalid, which is a great relief to me as I felt exceedingly anxious about it. I also consulted him about the vow of obedience to me, which seemed out of place. He approves of it as long as you make no promise either to me or anyone else. Therefore I wish you to make no pledge about it; and even then I dislike it. However, as it is a comfort to you, I submit on the condition that you take no vow oí obedience to anybody. I am glad you see that Fray Juan' understands your case: he has experienced it as even Francisco has, although nor to the same extent as God has granted you. May He be tor ever praised to all eternity. He favours both of us now.

What kindness our Lord shows us ! He seems to wish to prove His greatness by upraising us wretched creatures with such sublime favours, for I know of no one viler than you and L For more than a week I have been in a spiritual state which, if it continues, may cause me ill success with my many business affairs. Before I last wrote, my ecstasies had returned, which distressed me as they sometimes occurred in public and during Matins/ Resistance is useless and they cannot be concealed. I felt so utterly ashamed that I wanted to hide myself no matter where. I have prayed earnestly that 1 may no longer have raptures in public; will you pray about it, for there are many disadvantages and it dots not seem to me a higher form of prayer.

During the last few days I have appeared to be half intoxicated: at least it is evident that the soul is well off, but the powers being bound, it finds it difficult to attend to anything except Him Whom it loves. During the preceding week I was often incapable of a single good thought, being in a state of complete aridity. In fad;, in one way I was rather glad of it, as I had been in my present state for several days and it is a joy to realize how little we can do ourselves. Blessed be He Who can do all things! Amen. I have told you much: the rest cannot be written or even spoken about. We two ought to thank our Lord on each other's account: at least you should do so for me, as I am unable to thank Him as I ought and need much help from others.

I do not know what to say to you about the favour of which you tell me, which is certainly higher than you realize and will be the beginning of great good unless you forfeit it through your own fault.

I have passed through this state of prayer after which, as a rule, the soul enjoys peace and sometimes wishes to perform penance, especially if the impulse of love has been very strong. The soul then seems as though it could not endure doing nothing for God, for this is a touch which transforms the soul into love, and if it increases you will understand what was mysterious to you in the verses, for it is keen pain and sorrow, yet most delicious, coming from we know not whence. In faft, the love of God wounds the soul which cannot tell where the wound comes from, nor how it came, nor whether it is wounded, or what is taking place, yet feels a delicious anguish which makes it complain, so that it cries:

. . .Thou dost deign Without a wound our hearts to pain — Without a pang, our wills to bend To hold all love for creatures vain. For when this love of God adlually touches the soul, it finds no trouble in withdrawing from the love of creatures, (I mean that the soul is not bound by any love for them) which is impossible without this divine love, for every strong love for creatures troubles us, and we suffer much more keenly if we must withdraw from them. When God takes possession of a soul He gives it, by degrees, the empire over all created things even when He withholds the realization of His presence and His consolations, which is what you complain about. Although these disappear as though they had never been, as far as regards the sensitive faculities to which God was pleased to impart some of the joy of the soul, He does not quit the soul itself nor fail to leave it rich in graces, as is proved by the after effedls.

Do not take any notice of the troubles which you tell me ensue. Although I have never experienced them myself, God having in His goodness delivered me from these passions, I believe they are caused by the intense delight of the soul stimulating the lower nature. With the help of God the trial will pass if you take no notice of it as several people have told me. The trembling will also cease. At first the soul is alarmed at this favour, as well it may be, but after receiving it several times, becomes better prepared for its reception. Do your best to resist the trembling or any other outward sign, lest it should become a habit, which would hinder rather than help you.

The heat which you mention is of no importance, doing neither harm nor good, although it might injure your health if it were excessive. It will probably cease by degrees, like the fits of trembling. As far as I can judge, such things are a matter of temperament; yours being sanguine, the strong mental emotion and natural heat which rise to the upper part of the body and the heart, may produce these symptoms. But as I said, the prayer is none the higher for them.

I think I explained about your feeling afterwards as though nothing had happened. I am not sure whether it is Saint Augustine who says The Spirit of God passes like an arrow through the air, leaving no trace.' I remember having answered this question, but I have received a pile of letters since you wrote, to many of which I have still to reply on account of want of time. On some occasions, the soul cannot return to itself for several days. Like the sun whose rays give warmth, although itself unseen, so the soul appears to dwell apart and to animate the body from outside, because some faculty is suspended.

Glory be to God, the kind of meditation you make when not enjoying the prayer of quiet is excellent.

I do not know whether I have replied to all your questions. As a rule I read through your letter again, which is no small advantage when I have time for it, but to-day I have only been able to refer to it piece by piece. Do not take such trouble with your letters to me; I never revise my own. If any letters in the words are missing, fill them in as I do with yours. One sees at once what the words were meant for and it would be loss of time to corred: them.

I send you a hair shirt to wear when you cannot become rccollefted during the time of prayer, or when you feel anxious to do something for God. It will do much to rouse love for God, but I give it you on the condition that on no account must you wear it after you are dressed for the day or when you sleep. You may wear it on any part of the body so long as it feels uncomfortable. I let you have it with misgivings, for your temperament is so sanguine that very little would affeót your circulation : still, with such a love for God as yours, anything we do for Him, even such a trifle as this, gives such happiness that I did not like risking the trial. When the winter is over, we will try some other trifling thing of the sort, for I do not forget you. Let me know how you get on with this little plaything, for a plaything it is if, when we try to take some vengeance on ourselves, we remember what our Lord suffered. I laugh as I write, for you send me sweets, presents, and money and I repay you with a hair shirt.

Remember me to Aranda: let her throw some of the pastilles I send into the fire or brazier of your room when you are near it. They are very wholesome and purifying. They come from the Carmelite nuns, whose possessions are not all so choice. You may use them even though you wish to be more mortified. The pastilles are excellent for colds and headaches.

Will you kindly forward the enclosed little packet to Doña Maria de Cepeda at the convent of the Incarnation. Arrangements have been made for the entrance into your convent at Seville of a very good postulant who owns six thousand ducats net. She has already given it some gold ingots worth two thousand ducats and is so anxious that the debt on the house should be settled at once with them that the prioress has consented, and writes telling me that three thousand ducats will be given immediately; I was extremely glad, as the debt was a heavy burden for the nuns. In faól, as soon as the postulant is professed, she will pay it off entirely and may even do so earlier. Pray about it, for by this means, the work you commenced will be completed.

Our Father Visitor has settled affairs; he is well and is making his visitation. The way he establishes peace in the province and the aflfeftion the religious bear him are wonderful. The prayers offered for him, and the virtues and talents given him by God, guide him aright. May God be with you. I never know when to leave off when I write to you. All the nuns earnestly beg you to pray for them, as I do too. Always give Francisco de Salcedo many kind messages from me. You do right in liking him for he is a saint. I am in very good health.

To-day is January 17.

Your Honour's unworthy servant, Teresa de Jesus.

I sent to the Bishop for the book as perhaps I may wish to finish it by adding an account of the subsequent favours granted me by God, which would make another volume of the same size if the Master enabled me to describe them: if not it would not be much loss.

Several little articles belonging to Teresita came in the case and are being sent back. The bolilla is for Pedro de Ahumada who stays so long in church that his fingers must be cold. May our Lord repay your kindness to me and have you in His keeping for me. Amen. You can entrust the money matter to the prioress of Valladolid who will manage it successfully, as she knows a merchant vv'ho is a great friend of that convent and of mine and a good Christian.