Of What We Are to Do When We Have Had Any Passage of Arms or Disagreement with Our Brother

BUT since, after all, we are men, and not all of us always so much upon the alert but that one may be taken some day by surprise to the extent of saying a harsh or disagreeable word or giving some occasion of offense to his brothers, it will be well to see how we are to behave after that. When that happens, we are not to answer in the same harsh and disagreeable tone, but should have in us virtue and humility enough to take the thing well and know how to dissemble it. The fire of our charity should not burn so low that a few drops of water will extinguish it. For this reason it is, says St. Basil, that St. Paul calls it fraternal charity, to signify that it must not be a light and accidental love, but well-marked and strong. Let fraternal charity last ever between you (Heb. xiii. 1), loving one another as brethren (Rom. xii. 10). It were greatly to be desired that none should ever give occasion to his brother, either in deed or word, for the least displeasure in the world; but it is also to be desired that none should be so brittle as glass, such a tender babe in virtue, as for a mere nothing to be put out and talk loud and break the peace. It were better that none should find fault with anyone, nor meddle in the office of another; but when it does happen that someone breaks the law in this, it is not reasonable and proper that the other party should at once throw this in his face, asking if he has got leave, or saying that there is a rule that none should meddle in the office of another; that only serves to make something of what was nothing, if you had only kept quiet and taken no notice. When one hard body strikes another hard body, it sounds and makes a noise; but if the hard body strikes a soft one, it is neither heard nor felt. We see that a hard ball discharged from a culverin shatters a tower of very good masonry with a great crash, but striking on sacks of wool its force is deadened by that soft material. So Solomon says on this subject: A soft answer turneth away wrath, but hard words awaken fury (Prov. xv. 1), for that is throwing fuel on the fire, contrary to what the Wise Man advises: Throw not fuel on the fire of a man in a violent passion (Ecclus. viii. 4). You should not feed his fire with your replies, but have so much softness and virtue in your composition that, though at times they say a hard and rough word to you, it makes no noise, it is not felt, it nowhere appears, but is deadened and drowned where it fell.

St. Dorotheus teaches us a very humble way of answering on such occasions. He says that, when others speak roughly and reprehend us and even accuse us of having done what we have not done, we should still answer with humility, asking pardon as if we had really given occasion for the rebuke, though we have given none, and say: “Pardone me, brother, and pray to God for me.” He got this from one of those ancient Fathers, who advised him so. With this store of supplies on board, on the one side being very careful not to offend or give any occasion of displeasure to our brothers, and on the other being wide-awake for occasions of suffering and taking in good part any annoyance that may be offered us, we shall live in great peace and union.

But when some day you fail in this, and it happens that you have had a passage of arms with your brother because he has broken out and you have not had virtue and humility enough to bear it and take no notice, but one hard body has hit another and there has been a noisy collision, so that you remain offended and full of resentment against your brother and he also against you for the reply and retort with which you met him—then, says St. Bonaventure, this feeling of resentment must not be suffered to endure either on the one side or on the other; but you must seek to make it up and be reconciled to your brother before dinner or at least before going to bed. Let not the sun go down upon your anger (Eph. iv. 26) ; put an end to it before nightfall. Now the way to satisfaction and reconciliation, he says, must be by the one’s asking pardon of the other. And our Father gives us the same recommendation in his Constitutions. He says: “It must not be allowed to give place for any irritation or disagreement to exist amongst Ours; but if anything of the sort comes about through our weakness and the instigation of the enemy, who is ever seeking to fan and kindle the fire of discord amongst brethren, means must be taken that they return at once by due satisfaction to their former brotherhood and kindliness.” And among other spiritual admonitions that are found in the manuscripts of our Father, there is one to this effect, that, when anything of this sort occurs, the parties should at once ask pardon of one another, and this is the due satisfaction that the Constitutions require. With this humility the breach of charity will be repaired, as St. Bernard well observes: Sola humilitas est laesae caritatis reparatio. We should all be very ready to ask pardon and to give it, according to the word of the Apostle: Bearing with one another, and pardoning one another, if anyone hath matter of complaint against another (Col. iii. 13). Nay, each one should try to get the start in this transaction and not wait for or allow the other to take away his crown therein—that none may take thy crown (Apoc. iii. 11)—for whoever is the first to make advances by humbling himself and going first to beg pardon, that one gains a great crown. Thus the senior in religion, and he who has or ought to have a better hold on virtue and mortification, should aim at being the first in this transaction and abate his right and not stand on points, as to whether he has been the injured party or most in the right. When the shepherds of Abraham and Lot, his nephew, quarreled about the feeding-ground of their flocks, at once Abraham yielded his right and gave Lot the choice. I pray thee, let there be no disagreement between me and thee, and between my shepherds and thine, since we are brothers. Here thou hast all the land in sight: go apart from me, I pray thee. If thou takest the left, I will take the right. If thou choosest the right, I will go to the left (Gen. xiii. 8-9).

In the chronicles of the Cistercian Order there is a story of a monk who, every time he communicated, had this favor done him by the Lord, that it seemed as though he were receiving a honeycomb, and this delightful sweetness lasted three days. It happened one day that he rebuked another and went a little beyond bounds in doing so, and then he went to communion without being reconciled to his brother. That day, the story says, he felt in his mouth a bitterness greater than that of gall because he had not complied with what Christ our Redeemer commands in His Gospel: If thou art offering thine offering at the altar, and there thou rememberest that thy brother hath some complaint against thee, leave thine offering at the foot of the altar, and go first to be reconciled to thy brother, and, that done, thou canst return and offer thy gift (Matt. v. 23-24). Hereby we see what store the Lord sets by one’s being reconciled with one’s brother at once, since, though he be at the foot of the altar, He requires him to go back and be reconciled to him before making his offering to God.