Chapter 10: How the Lord obliged her to write these things ; and how He illuminated her

I CONSIDERED it so unsuitable for me to publish these writings, that my conscience would not consent to do so ; therefore I deferred doing it until the Feast of the Exalta tion of the Holy Cross. On that day, having determined before Mass to apply myself to other occupations, the Lord conquered the repugnance of my reason by these words : "Be assured that you will not be released from the prison of the flesh until you have paid this debt which still binds you.'' And as I reflected that I had already employed the gifts of God for the advancement of my neighbour — if not by my writing, at least by my words — He brought for ward these words which I had heard used at the preceding Matins : " If the Lord had willed to teach His doctrine only to those who were present, He would have taught by word only, not by writing. But now they are written for the salvation of many." He added further: "I desire your writings to be an indisputable evidence of Mv Divine goodness in these latter times, in which I purpose to do good to many."

These words having depressed me, I began to consider within myself how difficult and even impossible it would be to find thoughts and words capable of explaining these things to the human intellect without scandal. But the Lord delivered me from this pusillanimity by pouring out on my soul an abundant rain, the impetuous fall of which weighed me down like a young and tender plant — vile creature that I am ! — instead of watering me gently, so as to make me increase in perfection ; and I could find no profit from it, except from some weighty words, the sense of which I was unable perfectly to penetrate. Therefore, finding myself still more depressed, I inquired what would be the advantage of these writings ; and Thy goodness, my God, solaced my trouble with Thy usual sweetness, re freshing my soul by this reply : " Since this deluge ap pears useless to you, behold, I will now approach you to My Divine Heart, that your words may be gentle and sweet, according to the capabilities of your mind." Which promise, my Lord and my God, Thou didst most faithfully fulfil. And for four days, at a convenient hour each morn ing, Thou didst suggest with so much clearness and sweet ness what I composed, that I have been able to write it without difficulty and without reflection, even as if I had learned it by heart long before ; with this limitation, that when I had written a sufficient quantity each day, it has not been possible for me, although I applied my whole mind to it, to find a single word to express the things which on the following day I could write freely : thus in structing and refraining my impetuosity, as the Scripture teaches : " Let none so apply himself to action as to omit contemplation." Thus art Thou jealous for my welfare ; and whilst Thou givest me leisure to enjoy the embraces of Rachel, Thou dost not permit me to be deprived of the glorious fruitfulness of Lia. May Thy wise love deign to accomplish in me these two things !