Chapter 13: Of the necessity of exact vigilance over the senses and affections

I CONFESS also before Thy goodness, God of mercy, that Thou didst use another means to animate my languor ; and though at first Thou didst commence Thy work by the intervention of a third person, Thou didst will never theless to consummate it Thyself with mercy and con descension. This person proposed to my consideration the Gospel which relates that aftei Thy Birth Thou wert found by shepherds ; she added, that Thou hadst made known to her that if I would truly find Thee, I must watch over my senses, as the shepherds over their flocks. I had some diffi culty in believing this, and there seemed to me but little reason in it, knowing that Thou hadst given other capabili ties to my soul than those of serving Thee as a hired shep herd would his master ; so that, from morning until even ing, I was full of discouragement After Compline, as I was in the place where I pray, Thou didst solace my grief by this comparison ; " If a bride prepare food sometimes for her bridegroom's falcons, she will not on this account be deprived of his caresses ; so, if I occupied myself for love of Thee in watching over my affections and senses, I should not on this account be deprived of the sweetness of Thy graces."

Thou didst give me for this purpose the spirit of fear, under the figure of a green rod, in order that, remaining always with Thee, and never leaving the shelter of Thine embraces even for a single moment, I might without danger extend my care to all the windings and labyrinths in which human affection so often loses itself. Thou didst add, that when anything presented itself to my mind which sought to turn my thoughts to the right, as to joy or hope ; to the left, as to fear, grief, or anger, — that I should threaten them with the rod of fear ; and that afterwards, by the restraining of my senses, I should immolate this affec tion, like a new-born lamb, by the fire of my heart, and offer it to Thee as a feast.

But, alas ! how many times when the opportunity has come have I not snatched, as if from Thy very lips, by a malicious lightness, or by a passionate word or action, that which I had given Thee, and presented it to Thine enemy ! and even then Thou hast looked on me with tenderness and sweetness, as if Thou hadst not perceived my infidelity ; and thereby Thou hast often excited transports of sweet ness in my soul, which have served to make me correct and watch over myself far more than the threats and feai of Thine anger.

Different exercises by which the soul is purified. THE Sunday before Lent, while they chanted the J?sto mihi Thou didst make me understand by the words of this introit, 0 only Object of my love, that, being wearied by the persecutions and outrages which so many persons inflict on Thee, Thou didst ask for my heart, that Thou mightest repose therein. Therefore, each time that I en tered therein during these three days, Thou didst appear to me as if lying down there like a person exhausted by ex treme languor, and I could find no greater solace of Thy woe during this period than to pray, keep silence, and perform other exercises of mortification in Thine honour for the conversion of worldly persons.

Thy grace makes me know further, by frequent reve lations, that the soul, dwelling in the body of frail hu manity, is darkened in the same manner as a person who stands in a narrow space, and is surrounded on all sides by a vapour exhaling from a cooking vessel. And when the body is afflicted by any evil, the part which suffers is to the soul as a beam from the sun which enlightens the air, and from which it receives marvellous clearness ; therefore the heavier one's sufferings are, the purer is the light the soul receives. But afflictions and trials of the heart in humility, patience, and other virtues impart the greatest lustre to the soul, as they touch it more keenly, efficaciously, and intimately ; works of charity, above all, give it an ad mirable serenity and brightness.

Thanks be to Thee, 0 Lover of men, that Thou hast sometimes led me by this means to patience ! But, alas !

— and a thousand times, alas ! — how seldom have I listened to Thy counsels, or rather, how seldom have I done what I ought to have done ! 0 Lord, Thou knowest the grief, the shame, and the dejection of my soul for this • Thou knowest the desire of my heart to apply to Thee for my deficiencies.

On another occasion, when I was about to communicate at Mass, being filled abundantly with Thy Spirit, and seek ing within myself what I could do in return for so great a favour, Thou didst propose to me, as a Master full of wis dom, these words of the Apostle : " I wish myself to be an anathema for my brethren " (Rom. ix.). And although Thou hadst taught me before that the soul had its abode in the heart, Thou didst make me know also that it resided in the brain ; and this truth, of which I had been ignorant until then, was confirmed to me afterwards by a testimony of Scripture. Thou didst teach me also, that the great per fection of a soul consists in relinquishing the pleasure which it finds in the affections, in order to occupy itself, for the love of Thee, in watching over its exterior senses, and iu labouring in works of charity for the salvation of its neigh bour.