Chapter 23: Recapitulation of the gifts already mentioned— The Saint complains of her infirmity and ingratitude

May my soul bless Thee, 0 Lord God, my Creator, from the inmost depths of my heart ; and let it declare the mercies with which Thy charity has abounded, and encompassed me, O my sweetest Love ! I give thanks, as far as I am able, to Thine immense mercy ; I praise and glorify the longanimity of Thy patience, which has borne with me, while I passed the years of my infancy, childhood, and youth, even until my twenty-fifth year, in such blindness and folly, that if Thou hadst not preserved me, either by the natural dread which Thou didst give me for evil, and an inclination for good, or by the reproofs of others, and by so many aids, and if Thou hadst not saved me by Thy pure mercy, it appears to me that I would have sinned at every opportunity, either by my thoughts, my words, or my actions, even as if I had been an infidel in the midst of infidels, and as if I had not known, my God, that Thou wert the rewarder of good and the avenger of evil, although Thou didst choose me even from my infancy — that is, from the age of five years — to live in the bosom of holy religion, amongst Thy most faithful friends.

Although Thy felicity, O Lord, can neither increase nor diminish, and Thou needest not our goods, nevertheless, neither my negligences nor my faults have diminished Thy praises, if I may so speak, — I who am so justly bound to glorify Thee continually, with all creatures, and with all the powers of my soul. Thou alone knowest what I feel con cerning this matter, and how profoundly my soul is touched by Thy condescension towards it.

Therefore, 0 loving Father, I offer thee, for the re mission of my sins, all the sufferings which Thy beloved Son endured, from the hour when He wept on straw in a manger, — all the sufferings of His Infancy, the privations of His Childhood, the griefs of His Youth, and the bitter sufferings of His Manhood, — until the hour when He bowed His head upon the Cross, and gave up the ghost with a loud cry. Furthermore, in satisfaction for all my negli gences, I offer to Thee, 0 loving Father, the life of Thy Divine Son, which was so perfect in every thought, word, and action, from the time when He came down from Thy celestial throne to The Virgin's womb, and thence came forth into this world, until the hour when He presented to Thy Fatherly regard His victorious and glorified Body.

And because it is just that the heart which loves Thee should compassionate all Thy afflictions, I beseech Thee, for the love of Thy only Son, and by the virtue of the Holy Spirit, that whoever, by my request, or from any other motive, shall desire to supply for my deficiencies, either during my life or after my death, for Thy glory, even by a sight or by a good work, that Thou wilt receive for them f " Etiam uno gemitu.1 also, and for the remission of their sins and negligences, the offerings which I make Thee of the conversation and sufferings of Thy Divine Son ; and that I may effectually obtain my request, I conjure thee to perpetuate my desire to all eternity, and even when I shall reign, by Thy grace, with Thee in heaven.

I adore and bless with thanksgiving, and with all humility, Thy ineffable charity, 0 Father of mercies, by which, notwithstanding the disorders of my life, Thou hast had thoughts of peace towards me, and not of S3 verity, overwhelming me with the greatness and multitude of Thy benefits, even as if I had led the life of an angel amongst men. Thou didst commence this work in me during Advent, before I had attained my twenty-fifth year, and consummated it on the Epiphany by a certain fear, by which I was so agitated that I began to have a distaste for all the pleasures of youth, so that thus my heart be came in some sort prepared to receive Thee.

Having entered on my twenty-sixth year, the second feria before the feast of the Purification, at the close of day, after Compline, Thou, Lord, who art the true Light shining in darkness, — Thou didst put an end to my spiritual obscurity and darkness, and to my youthful vani ties. For at this time Thou didst give me evident tokens of Thine amazing charity and of Thine amiable presence ; and Thou didst teach me, by a loving reconciliation, to know Thee and to love Thee ; and having made me enter into my interior, which was until then unknown to me, Thou didst act towards me in marvellous and hidden ways, so that thou didst seem to take the same delight in dwelling in my soul as a friend in living with his friend or a bride groom with his bride.

Thou didst visit me, then, at different times, and in

12-' THERKVELA: .. GERTRUI-E.

different ways, to preserve this commerce of charity ; but .iy on the Vigil of the Annunciation, and before the lay in the inorupliue, by granting me that favour which ought to be a subject of admiration and reverence to all creatures, — namely, that from that hour until now I never found Thee absent from my iieart for a .single instant when I entered therein, except once, when Thou wert absent for eleven days.

I cannot express by my words either the number or the value of the gifts Thou hast bestowed on me, permit me, O Giver of gifts, to offer Thee in thanksgiving a sacri fice of joy in a spirit of humility, especially for having pre pared a dwelling in my heart, according to Thy desire and mine ; so that I have neither heard nor read anything of the Temple of Solomon or the palace of Assuerus which seemed to me preferable to the delights which, thanks to Thy grace, have been placed in rne, and which Thou hast permitted my un worth -jare with Thee, as a queen with the king. But there are two favours which I espe cially esteem. The first is, that Thou hast; imprinted on my heart the glorious mark.-* of Thy saving Wounds, and that Thou hast truly arid deeply pierced this same heart with the wound of Thy love ; so that even if Thou hadst never granted me a gr .int'son. either exteriorly or rly, Thou hast conferred such happiness on me by these two alone, that even if I lived for a thousand years I should find each hour more C'.n.-obition. thanksgiving, and instruction than I could possibly contain.

ies these things, Thou hast also granted me Thy secret friend-hip, by opening the sacred ark of Thy Divinity — I mean Thy Deified Heart — to me in so many manners, as to be the source of ail my happiness ; sometimes impart-

OUR LORD'S TENDEBNESS ix COVERING HER DEFECTS. 123 freely, sometimes as a special mark of our mutual friend- for mine, Thou hast also re- to me hidden mysteries concerning Thy judgments and Ti nd Thou :: a melted :

by Th I did not know the ;-.'

Thy overflowing cond .1 should be amaz-.

I told that even Thy Blessed Mother, who reigns wiih Thee in heaven, had been chosen to receive such extraordinary marks of tenderness and affection.

By all these marks of Thy gentle love Thou hast led me to a salutary kn^ . and at the same time spared my shame with so much charity, that — pardon me ing it— it IN . < -. em as if the loss of half Thy king dom were less to Thee than to cause me a momentary coa- :or my imperfections. I u order to make them known to me, Thou expedient,

_ I me the delects whi. ;d Thee in and of which, when I ei.. myself, I fou:.d

/ than they .:>t not sjn of havi; _ i them in me.

Further, Thou hast won my soul by Thy faithful pro- :h and after it; and if I had only obtained this favour from Thee, it would be sufficient to fill my heart with the mot lively hope and desire. But

.in of Thy infinite mercy was n^t yet exhaus: Thou hast heard the frequent prayers which I ad . to Thee for sinners fc: for other COL- tions ; and so great have Wen the>e favours, that I have I found one to whom I could discover them, as I know them myself, on account of the pusiUanimitv of the human heart, which is slow of belief. To crown all these I, Thou 1. :ae Thy sweetest Mother, the

Blessed Virgin, for n. te, ;uid Thou h recommended me to her many times with the same ardour as a faithful bridegroom would recommend his beloved bride to his own mother. Thou hast also often sent the .princes of Thy court to minister to me ; not only from the choirs of angels and archangels, but even those of higher rank, as Thy kindness, my God, judged it expedient for my advancement in spiritual exercises. But when, for ray soul's good, Thou hast deprived me for a time of some of Thy delights, I have yielded to a weak and shameful in gratitude, and have forgotten Thy gifts, as if they had been of no benefit to me ; and if by Thy grace I discovered what I had lost, and asked Thee to restore it, or to grant me some other favour, Thou didst immediately give me all, as if it had been a deposit which I had entrusted to Thy keeping. Besides these favours, Thou didst grant me others of the utmost value, especially on the day of Thy Nativity, the Sunday Esto mihi ; and also another Sunday after Pente cost Thou didst elevate me, or rather Thou didst ravish me, to so close a union with Thyself, that I marvel more than at a miracle how I have lived since then as a creature amongst creatures ; and am even more amazed, and even horrified, that I have not amended my faults as I was bound to do. Nevertheless, the fountain of Thy mercy has not dried up for me, 0 Jesus, of all lovers the most loving, — or rather, the only One who loves the ungrateful truly and disinterestedly. For after a time, having forgotten my vileness, unworthy that I am, and having begun to disre lish those things which are the joy and praise of heaven and earth, — if it were only because an infinite God had abased Himself unreservedly towards a vile and abject worm, — Thou, the Giver, Renovator, and Preserver of every good, — Thou didst arouse me from my torpor, and excite me to gratitude, by revealing to a certain person, who was very devout to Thee and familiar with TLee, some particulars of the gifts which Thou hast bestowed on me, which they could not have known by human means, since I had not revealed them to any human be ing j so that I heard from their lips what was only known to my secret heart.

As I recall these words and others, the glory of which is due to Thee alone, I will sing a canticle on a harmonious instrument, which is none other than Thy Divine Heart, by the virtue of the Spirit of consolation. Eternal Father, may all that is in heaven, on earth, or in the deep — may all things which have been, which are, or which will be — render Thee thanks and praise ! Even as gold shines most clearly when surrounded by various colours, — even as black appears darker by contrast with them, — so is the blackness of my ungrateful life, when compared with the splendour of the Divine benefits so abundantly bestowed on me. For as Thou couldst not grant any favours that were not com mensurate with Thy royal liberality, I have only received them in my boorish ignorance, and as an unfortunate abuser of thy graces. This Thou didst, as it were, dissimulate by an effect of Thy natural clemency, so that it appeared as if Thou never didst more for me than when I did least for Thee. And even when Thou didst seek hospitality in my poor dwelling, — Thou, who reposest in the loving bosom of thy celestial Father, — I have been so negligent and so careless in entertaining Thee, that I should, even from natural humanity, have been bound to tend a leper with more care who had asked a shelter under my roof, after overwhelming me with outrages and injuries. Far, 0 Lord, who adorned the stars with beauty — far from re cognising the graces Thou didst bestow on me — whether by filling me with interior consolation, or by imprinting on

T26 THE REVELATIONS OF ST. GERTRUDE.

me Thy sacred Wounds, or by revealing to me Thy secrets, and even those of Thy friends, or by giving me marks of Thy friendship and tenderness greater than could have been found had the earth been traversed from east to west — I have been so ungrateful as to outrage Thee by despising these tilings, by seeking strange pleasures, and by prefer ring the bitterness of exterior things to the sweetness of Thy celestial manna. I have distrusted Thy promises, O God of truth, as if Thou wert a man who couldst lie, or fail in Thy fidelity !

Alas ! I have also offended the goodness with which Thou hast heard my unworthy prayers so favourably, by hardening my heart against Thy will, and, as I ought to declare with tears in my eyes, sometimes pretending not to understand Thy will, lest the reproaches of my conscience should oblige me to obey it.

I have also despised the aid of Thy most glorious Mother, and that of the blessed spirits whom Thou hast sent to me ; and I have been so unhappy as to prove an obstacle even to my earthly friends, on whom I have leant, instead of relying on Thee alone ; and far from increasing my gratitude and my vigilance over my faults, on seeing that Thy charity continued Thy favours, notwithstanding my negligence, I, on the contrary, returned Thee evil for good, like a tyrant, or rather like a demon, and had the hardihood to live even more carelessly.

But my greatest fault is, that after the incredible union which I have had with Thee, and which is known to Thee alone, I have not feared to sully my soul again with the same defects, which Thou hast permitted to continue in me in order that I might conquer them, and thus obtain greater glory with Thee in heaven. I have sinned also, in that when Thou didst di^ver to my friends Thy hidden favours, to excite my gratitude, I failed in accomplishing Thy designs therein, by rejoicing in a human manner, and neglecting to correspond with Thy designs by the duty of gratitude.

And now, 0 adorable Creator of my soul, permit the groans of my heart to rise even to heaven in expiation of all these faults, and of others which Thou mayest yet bring to my recollection. Accept my grief for the immense number of offences which I have committed against the nobleness of Thy Divine goodness. I offer it to Thee, with all the gratitude and all the reverence which Thou hast enabled me, for all in heaven, on earth, and in the deep, through the merit of Thy beloved Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Since, then, I am altogether incapable of producing worthy fruits of penance, I implore Thy mercy, O my sweetest Love, to inspire those hearts which have sufficient fidelity and zeal to appease Thee by a sacrifice of propitia tion, to repair for my defects by their sighs, their prayers, and other good works, arid to pay the debt of praise which I owe to Thee alone, 0 Lord my God ; because, as Thou seest the bottom of my heart, Thou knowest that I have only written these things from a pure love of Thy glory, in order that many who shall read them after my death may be touched by Thy sweetness and clemency, consider ing the greatness of Thy love, which has abased itself so low for the salvation of mankind as to permit such nume rous and precious gifts to be abused, as I, alas ! have abused them.

But I give thanks with all my might, O Lord, my Creator and re-Creator, to Thine infinite mercy, that, from the abyss of Thy overflowing goodness, Thou hast made known to me that whosoever shall remember me as I have said above, for Thy glory, either by praying for sinners, or by giving thanks for the elect, or by any other good works, shall not leave this world until Thou hast granted him the grace to become pleasing to Thee, and so order his heart that Thou mayest find joy and pleasure therein. For which may eternal praise be given to Thee, which shall return without ceasing to the uncreated Love whence it proceeded.