Letter 88. To a maiden living in recollection

Of the value of a soul, and the care wherewith it is to be kept from falling. And that if it fall, it must have hope, and so rise again.

I Know not with what words, I may be able to express the fault which accuses me, and the punishment which I fear. I look back upon the much time which hath passed without writing to you, whilst yet you were recommended to me; that so by means of my care, you might proceed and profit, in the service of our heavenly king; since he was pleased to receive you for his, through that word, which I preached unto you. And I in the mean time, like an ill servant of Christ our Lord, have been negligent in negotiating this business which he held to be so truly his; as that it filled him full of care, and so full, as to make him give his life, for the dispatch thereof. And not only have I sinned against him, but against you also. To him I have been an ill servant, and to you I have been an ill Father, since I have not preserved the stock nor sustained you with the food of his word; his, who made me his steward, to the end, that in the true time, ●. 4 I might wisely and faithfully dispense it, ●12 to every one, according to that which he should need.

I am much grieved for my negligence, as it becomes a guilty person; and I apprehend the punishment of my fault. Not that I fear so much, lest our Lord should punish, or scourge, or afflict me for it, with vexations, and torments, as that, he may permit your soul to receive some disadvantage thereby. For when a man hath no knowledge of what belongs to children, nor cares how he may bring them up; it is but reason both that he see them dye, and that they may also continue dead in his sight; that so the grief thereof, may be a torment to him, & may keep those eyes open, which his carelessness had shut.

My good sister, (for I will presume to say, that you are mine, because you are the Spouse of my Lord) O how happy were he, who might know how it is with you; that so he might either be delighted in your good, or receive the torment of sorrow, for your ill? how happy were he, who might know, if those fervent tears of yours still continue, which washed your soul in the high presence of your Spouse, and which watered it with devotion, that so it might give fruit to the Lord thereof. And if your long watches last, wherein you were wont to treat in secrecy and solitude with him, whom your soul love's. Reflecting upon those sorrows, which he endured for love of you; and, you, desiring to endure somewhat like that, for the love of him.

I beseech him of his mercy, that you may not have lost that holy silence of yours, which was discourse with God; your rich poverty, which gave you more full satisfaction, than all the wealth of this world; That contempt of yourself, which gave you price & value in the sight of our Lord, and that holy change of your life, which cast them into wonder, who saw you, & praised God in you. Let it not please him, that mine ears may ever hear, that the servant of Christ, is other than she used to be. Let it never come to pass, that she should live with any other, nor regard any other, nor think of any other, then only Christ our Lord; to whom she offered herself. Make no exchange; whereby, you may be so deceived; as that having tasted of that heavenly gift, & having fed upon the crumbs of the table of God; you should now afterward, come to taste the bitterness of Egypt; & those meat which are devoured by men cast of from him. Who when here, they shall have satisfied themselves with the food of swine, shall burn hereafter, in the company of devils.

Servant of Jesus Christ, how is it with you indeed? tel me, how it is with you. I beseech Jesus, you be well in his sight. S. Paul said, that even his very life, consisted in the good of his children; and even I, though not with that great fire, but with the little, which God gives me, do yet adventure to say, that my life consists, in that you be well, in the sight of God. I can take no pleasure in this body, if the soul of my daughter, be dead; nor shall delight have any place in me, till I may know, that your Spouse, whom I lodged in you, doth still inhabit your hart. If it be any otherwise, it is I, who have made the fault, & I will perform the penance; but yet see that you be not angry with him.

Do not my good Sister, afflict me more than already I am afflicted, through mine own fault, by the love, which I carry to your soul; and if you be offended with my negligence, be appeased by this confession which is full of shame and grief. And believe that through the favour of our Lord, you shall well find, that I will mend. And upon this motive, you must forget that I have been an ill Father to you; since upon the same, God forgets that we have been ill sons & ill servants to him. And if yet you will require further satisfaction, be your own carver; and require of me what you will. Only return to the way of God, if you should have left it, or else make me know, that you continue in it; that so I may be sure that things go well with you; & that I may have strength to bear that penance which you shall impose upon me for my negligece. Negligence, I mean in writing to you; but not in remembering you. For in this our Lord, hath not permitted that I should be forgetful. For so great was the love, which I carried towards you, upon seeing that you were grown to be the true servant of God; and you entered so deeply into my hart, when I considered those mercies, which our Lord had vouchsafed to you; that it never parted more from thence, though it have failed, to strengthen and comfort you in this way as it should have done.

Pardon me my good Sister for the love of Jesus Christ; and be not cruel against yourfelfe, but be as cruel against me, as you shall think fit. Be sure to love our Lord, for he deserves not to be ill used, for the negligence of his servant. And if you should have forgotten your duty to him you know his condition already well enough, and, that he hath promised to receive the soul which will return and that if you will forgive me he will pardon you. And he will show you such mercies, as he shown before, and will enable you to sing those Canticles to him, which you sung in your first beginning, and birth, to Christ our Lord.

Do not now give cause of joy, to those infernal spirits, since there was a time, wherein you wounded them with sorrow. Do not grieve your good Angel, since he hath given God much praise for you; and hath rejoiced at your vocation. Do not reverse that solemn Festivity, which was celebrated in the kingdom of heaven, upon the day of your conversion. And if through my sins any of these things should have happened, yet still you must not be dismayed. For our Lord will stretch forth his arms, and will receive you; since he stretched them out for you upon the Cross. And it is usual with him, to love that person more, who having run away out of the war doth yet return to fight with greater courage, than that other, who though he never forsook the field, yet was never but slack in doing him service.

This is a kind of war, wherein the loss of the victory consists not in the not receiving any wounds, but in flying out of the battle, & rendering himself to the enemy, in the quality of a man who is overcome. Take courage, and begin yet once again, for you shall find Christ our Lord close at hand to help you. And seeing your humility, and how much you are ashamed of yourself, he will not put you to confusion. Nor when he shall perceive, that you are lying prostrate at his feet, will he cast you off, or kick you out of his sight. And if you call upon those intercessors, of yours, who are in heaven, they will not make themselves deaf to the cries which you send up from hence, As for me because I have made the fault, whereby you have incurred the inconvenience, if there be any, I will also perform the penance as I said before. And I will beseech our Lord to restore and raise that up, which my negligence made fit for ruin. Let all your thoughts beat upon his having begunn the work, and not upon my having neglected it. And then he will put things in good order, because he is the true lover of souls, and pretends not to see men's sins, that so they may retract them by sorrow. I beseech him even by what himself is, that he will keep you in close protection, under his wings; and make you gracious in his sight, and that he will punish me in whatsoever sort he shall think fit. And I beg of you by him that you will write to me, though I confess myself to be unworthy of your answer.