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Chapter X

That this abnegation is not enough unless we also are detached from ourselves: how this virtue and humility go together.1

1. Detachment from self-will. 2. Humility and mortification. 3. Their effects. 4. Indifference to our health the first step to mortification. 5. Mortification and anxiety about health. 6. Relaxation of the Rule in convents.

  1. Separated from the world and our own kindred, in a state of absolute poverty, and enclosed in this convent under the conditions I have described, it would seem that we have done all and that there is nothing left to contend with. Ah, sisters, do not feel too secure, nor settle yourselves to sleep! You would be like a man who goes peacefully to rest after having bolted his doors securely against the robbers already inside them. Have you not heard that the thief who lives in the house is the worst thief of all?2

Our natures are always the same, and unless we use the greatest care and each one of us makes it her most urgent business constantly to cross her self-will, many things will keep us from the holy liberty of spirit which we seek in order that our souls may rise to their Creator, unimpeded by any earthly, leaden weight.

  1. A valuable aid towards this is the constant remembrance of the vanity of all things and of how quickly they pass away, that we may withdraw our affections from what is worthless and fix them on what is eternal. Though this means seems inefficient, yet I assure you it gives great strength to the soul. We must keep watch over ourselves carefully in the most insignificant matters: when we are attached to anything we must turn our thoughts from it and fix them on God. His Majesty will help us to do this, and it is a great grace from Him that, in this convent, the chief part of this is already done for us.3 As this detachment from ourselves and crossing our own wills is a hard matter, the union being so close and selflove being very strong,4 humility will now find its place.5 This virtue and abnegation seem to me always to accompany one another; they are two sisters who cannot be separated. These are not the kindred I advise you to forsake: embrace and love them, and never be seen without them.

  2. O sovereign virtues! rulers of all created things; queens of the world; our deliverers from all the snares and traps of the devil, dearly loved as you were by our Teacher, Jesus Christ, Who never for a moment lived without you! Those who possess you may sally forth and fight with all hell and the whole world and its temptations! Let them not be afraid, for 'theirs is the kingdom of heaven':6 they have no cause for dread for they care not if all be lost — nor do they count it loss — their sole fear is lest they should offend their God; they implore Him to preserve these virtues in their souls lest by their own fault they should lose them. It is true that these virtues have the property of hiding themselves from their owner's sight, so that he never believes he possesses them, whatever he may be told to the contrary. Yet he esteems them so highly that he is always striving to gain them and thus grows more perfect in them. The possessor of these virtues soon unwittingly reveals them to those who talk to him.

  3. But what presumption for me to praise humility and mortification which have been so extolled by the King of Glory and exemplified by all His toils and sufferings! These are the virtues that you must labour to obtain in order to escape from the Land of Egypt. My daughters, when you possess them, you will find the manna7: then all things will taste sweet to you: however bitter the world may find them, to you they will be delicious. Our first effort must be to cease loving our bodies;8 some of us are naturally self-indulgent, therefore this is no easy work. Considering that we are nuns, it is surprising what a struggle these two things cost us, just as they do other people. Some of us seem to think we only entered the convent in order to keep ourselves alive and to nurse and pamper our bodies as well as we can, and this constitutes our principal pleasure. To tell the truth, there is very little opportunity of practising this here, but I do not want you even to wish for such a thing. Be convinced, sisters, that you came here to die for Christ, not to indulge yourselves for Him. The devil suggests that we need to take care of ourselves in order to observe the Rule. Such nuns are so exceedingly anxious to preserve their health so that they may be able to obey the Rule that they die without ever having observed it for a month, or perhaps even for a single day. If good health is our object in life, I do not know why we came here. There is no fear lest we should fail in discretion on this point, for our confessors at once take fright lest we should kill ourselves with penances; and I wish our other faults of observance were as odious to us as is such want of prudence.

  4. I know that those who practise the contrary will pay no attention to what I am writing, nor do I care if they say that I judge others by myself, which is true enough. I am sure that there are more who behave as I do, than there are nuns who are offended at my words because they never themselves act in such a way. I believe that this is why our Lord permits us to have delicate constitutions; at least, He has shown me great mercy in doing so in my case, for as I was sure to pamper myself He wished me to have some excuse for it.9 It is amusing to see how some worry themselves about this. At one time they have a mania for doing penances without either moderation or discretion:10 this lasts for a day or so and then the devil puts it into their heads that penance makes them ill, so henceforth they never perform any more even when the Rule enjoins it, as they have found it injures them.11 We do not obey even the least points of the Rule, such as silence, which could do us no harm. Directly we fancy our head aches, we stop away from choir which would not kill us either. One day we are absent because it aches, the next because it has ached, and three more lest it should ache again; but we love to invent penances for ourselves, so that we end by doing neither the one nor the other. Sometimes we feel stronger yet we think we are not obliged to mortify ourselves, but that by having obtained leave we are henceforth dispensed from everything.

  5. You may ask why the Prioress gives these dispensations. If she could see into the state of your body perhaps she would refuse, but you tell her there is need of them and the doctor supports your cause, while a friend or relation stands by weeping, and though the poor Prioress sometimes sees that too much is asked for, yet what is she to do? She feels a scruple lest she should be wanting in charity and would rather you erred than that she should, while it seems unjust to judge you harshly. Oh these complaints! God help us, among nuns! May He forgive me for saying so, but I believe it has already become the custom. I once saw a case of this kind: a nun said she had a headache, and complained of it a great deal. When it came to be inquired into, she felt no pain at all in her head, but suffered in some other part of her body. Such things may occur here at times, so I warn you against them now, for if the devil once begins to daunt us with the fear of losing our health we shall never do anything. May God give us light to accomplish all our duties! Amen.

Footnotes

  1. Valladolid edition, ch. xi.; Escorial, ch. xv. Treats of the humility accompanying the two virtues of detachment and the perfect love already described. ↩

  2. St. Matt. x. 36: 'Inimici hominis domestici ejus.' ↩

  3. St. Teresa practised strict poverty and disliked the nuns' becoming attached to any little article given them for their use. She therefore often made them change cells, breviaries, etc. (Fuente, vol. vi. 310, n. 16.) Deposition of Mary of St. Francis. ↩

  4. Escorial edition, ch. xvi. Of mortifying ourselves during sickness. ↩

  5. Life, ch. xxxi. 23 sqq. ↩

  6. St. Matt. iii. 3: 'Quoniam ipsorum est regnum caelorum.' ↩

  7. Apoc. ii. 17. Castle, M. ii. ch. i. 13. ↩

  8. Castle, M. i. ch. ii. 14; M. iii. ch. ii. 9. Concep. ch. ii. 20. Const. 21. ↩

  9. Life, ch. xxiv. 2. Rel. xi. 2. ↩

  10. Castle, M. i. ch. ii. 19. Way of Perf. ch. xxxix. 4. ↩

  11. Castle, M. iii. ch. ii. 11. Const. 21. ↩

Chapter 11 of 43