Chapter XV

The great advantage of not excusing ourselves even when unjustly blamed.¹

1. Submitting to unjust blame. 2. A penance that all may practise. 3. A prayer to share our Lord's obloquy. 4. Benefits of bearing with false accusations. 5. Liberty of spirit thus gained.

1. I am overwhelmed with confusion at speaking on this subject, and I do not know how to fulfil my task. The fault is yours, sisters, for you bade me undertake the work — you must read it as best you can since I do my best to write it and you must not criticise its shortcomings. Such a book requires leisure: as you know, I have so little that I have been unable to go on with it for a week, and I forget both what I have already written and how I intended to continue. I can do nothing but blame myself for my failings, and beg you not to imitate me by excusing yourselves as I am doing here. Not to exculpate ourselves when unjustly accused is a sublime virtue,² and very edifying and meritorious; but, although I have often taught it you, and by the mercy of God you practise it, yet His Majesty has never given me the grace to do so myself — may He grant that I do before I die! Yet there always seems to me some good reason for thinking it would be better to make some excuse for myself. This is often lawful, indeed, sometimes it would be wrong to omit it, yet I have not sufficient discretion — or rather, humility — to know when it should be done. For indeed it requires great humility to see oneself blamed without cause, and to be silent; we thus imitate our Lord, Who freed us from our sins. Be most careful to act in this way, sisters; it does us great good, while I can see no use in our exculpating ourselves, unless, as I said, when we might cause offence or scandal by not telling the truth. Any one who is more prudent than I am will easily understand this. I think it is a great gain to accustom oneself to practise this virtue, and to endeavour to obtain from God the true humility that must be the result. Whoever is really humble ought to wish sincerely to be despised,³ persecuted, and condemned for serious offences without any just cause.⁴ If you seek to follow our Lord, in what better way can you do so? No bodily strength is needed here, nor the help of any one save of God.

2. I wish these great virtues, my sisters, to be both our study and our penance. You know that I restrain you from other severe and excessive austerities, which if performed imprudently might injure your health. Here, however, there is nothing to fear; for however great the interior virtues may be, they do not weaken the body so that it cannot keep the Rule of the religious life. These strengthen the soul, and, as I have often told you, by constantly conquering yourselves in little things you may train yourselves to gain the victory in great matters. But — how well I have written this, and how badly I practise it! — indeed, I have never been tried thus in any important affair, for I never heard any ill spoken of me that did not fall far short of the truth, if not in that particular matter, yet often enough in similar things: only too often in other ways have I offended our Lord God, and I thought people showed me a great kindness in not speaking of these.⁵ I always prefer that they should find fault with what I have not done, for the truth is very painful to hear; but for a false accusation, however grave, I care nothing, and in minor matters I follow my natural bent without thinking of what is most perfect. For this reason, I wish you to understand from the first, and I desire each one of you to consider, how much is gained by this habit of not excusing yourselves.⁶ I think it can never do any harm, while its chief advantage is that we thus, to a certain degree, imitate our Lord. I say, 'to a certain degree', for we are never wholly innocent when blamed but are always guilty of many sins, for 'the just man falleth seven times a day',⁷ and 'if we say we have no sin, the truth is not in us';⁸ therefore, though we may not be guilty of this particular fault, yet we are never altogether free from offence as was the good Jesus.

3. O my Lord, when I remember in how many ways Thou didst suffer, Who yet in no way didst deserve it, I know not what to say for myself, nor of what I am thinking when I shrink from suffering or defend myself from blame! Thou knowest, O my only Good! that if there is aught that is right in me it comes from Thy hands. Why shouldst Thou not give me much instead of little? If it is because I do not deserve it, neither have I deserved the graces Thou hast already bestowed on me. Can it be that I should wish men to think well of a thing so vile as I am, when they said such evil things of Thee, Who art above every other good? Do not permit this: forbid it, O my God! nor let me wish that anything displeasing to Thine eyes should be found in me, Thy handmaiden. See, O my Lord! I am blind and I care but little for the light. Enlighten me and make me sincerely desire that all men should hate me, since I have so often abandoned Thee Who lovest me so faithfully. Why do we act thus, O my God? What joy do we think to find by pleasing creatures? What does it matter of what guilt they accuse us if we are guiltless before Thee, O Lord?

4. Ah, my sisters, how far we are from grasping this truth! We shall never reach the summit of perfection unless we come to understand what is the great reality, and what is of no account.⁹ Were there no other gain but the shame felt by your accuser at seeing that you permit yourselves to be unjustly condemned, it would be very great, for to witness such an action sometimes benefits a soul more than listening to ten sermons. We must all strive to preach by our deeds since the Apostle and our own incapacity forbid our doing so, by word of mouth.¹⁰ Do not imagine that either the good or the ill you do will be concealed, however strict your enclosure may be. And can you fancy that if you do not defend yourselves, no one else will take your part? See how our Lord answered for the Magdalen in the house of the Pharisee,¹¹ and when her sister blamed her.¹² He will not treat you with such rigour as He kept for Himself. He did not permit even the thief to speak in His defence until He hung upon the cross.¹³ When there is need, His Majesty will find you an advocate: if not, it will be because you do not require one.

5. I know that this is true, for it has been fully proved to me by experience. Yet I do not wish you to reckon on it: I would rather have you rejoice at being accused. Time will show you how your soul will benefit by this: you will gradually gain liberty of spirit and will not care whether you are well or ill spoken of; you will feel as if the matter concerned some one else, or as if two people were holding a private conversation in which you do not want to take part. It is the same here: we have grown so accustomed to returning no answer that it does not seem as if any one had spoken to us. People who are unmortified and very sensitive may think this impossible. Though difficult at first, I know that this liberty of spirit, abnegation, and detachment may, by the grace of God, gradually be obtained.